Mr Universe

Scene: The 'Mr Universe' Competition
Characters: Gloria Sparkle, the presenter
The contestants (Arnold Higgins, Elvis Smith, Ernest Bottom)

The competition is just beginning.

Gloria Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's time once again for the 'Mr Universe' competition - the competition to find the most fantastic, the most incredible, the most amazing man in the world. Who will be this year's Mr Universe? Our three judges will decide. But first let's meet the contestants. Contestant Number 1 - Arnold Higgins!

Arnold Higgins enters, carrying a bucket and a sponge.

Gloria Ladies and gentlemen, this is Arnold Higgins.
Arnold Hallo!
Gloria (Reading from a card in her hand:) Arnold is 63 years old.
Arnold What? No, no, no. 36, not 63.
Gloria Sorry, Arnold.
Arnold That's all right.
Gloria Arnold is 36 years old. Tell me, Arnold - what do you do?
Arnold I'm a window-cleaner.
Gloria He's a window-cleaner, ladies and gentlemen! And tell me, Arnold - how long have you been a window-cleaner?
Arnold Well, Gloria, I'm 36 now, and I started cleaning windows when 1 was 33. So I've been cleaning windows for... er...
Gloria Three years?
Arnold Yes. How did you know?
Gloria It's written on this card. Do you like it?

Arnold looks at the card.

Arnold Yes. It's a very nice card.
Gloria No, no - not the card. Do you like cleaning windows?
Arnold Do I like cleaning windows?
Gloria Yes.
Arnold Do I like cleaning windows?
Gloria Yes.
Arnold No! I don't like cleaning windows - I love it!
Gloria You love it.
Arnold Yes, I love it. Big windows, small windows, broken windows -
Gloria Yes, I see.
Arnold Windows are my life! I've cleaned windows all over the world.
Gloria Really?
Arnold Yes. Do you know Buckingham Palace?
Gloria Yes.
Arnold Do you know the windows of Buckingham Palace?
Gloria Yes. Arnold, have you cleaned the windows of Buckingham Palace?
Arnold No - but I'd like to,
Gloria Ah, so your ambition is to clean the windows of Buckingham Palace.
Arnold Yes.
Gloria Thank you, Arnold.

She wants Arnold to go.

Arnold Before I go, I'd like to tell you about my hobby.
Gloria What's that, Arnold?
Arnold My hobby is writing poetry. I'd like to read one of my poems.
Gloria Oh.
Arnold It's about windows.
Gloria Ah.
Arnold (Reading:) 'Oh, windows! Oh, windows! Oh, windows!'
Gloria Oh, no!
Arnold 'Windows, windows, big and small!
Windows, windows, I love you all!'
Gloria Thank you, Arnold.
Arnold There's a bit more.
Gloria No, thank you, Arnold - that's quite enough. Ladies and gentlemen, the first contestant: Arnold Higgins!

Arnold leaves.

Gloria Now let's meet the second contestant, who also wants to be this year's Mr Universe!

Elvis Smith enters. He is wearing short trousers and is rather shy.

Elvis Er... Hallo.
Gloria What is your name?
Elvis Elvis.
Gloria Elvis?
Elvis Yes. Elvis Smith.
Gloria How old are you, Elvis?
Elvis 42.
Gloria And what do you do?
Elvis Nothing. I'm still at school.
Gloria Still at school?
Elvis Yes.
Gloria What do you want to do when you leave school?
Elvis Go to university.
Gloria I see. And what is your hobby, Elvis?
Elvis My hobby?
Gloria Yes. What do you like doing in your free time?
Elvis Oh well, I like meeting people. Hallo, Gloria.
Gloria Hallo, Elvis.
Elvis And I like fishing.
Gloria Yes?
Elvis And swimming.
Gloria Thank you, Elvis.
Elvis And collecting stamps, and playing football, and dancing -
Gloria Thank you, Elvis.
Elvis And climbing mountains, and water-skiing, and boxing -
Gloria Thank you, Elvis'. Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis Smith!

Elvis leaves.

Gloria Well, ladies and gentlemen, that was Elvis Smith. Now let's meet the last contestant. From Liverpool: Ernest Bottom!

Ernest Bottom enters. He is not very friendly.

Gloria Well, Ernest, it's wonderful to have you here -
Ernest All right, get on with it!
Gloria Oh. Well... Ernest, would you like to answer a few questions?
Ernest No.
Gloria Oh, come on, Ernest!
Ernest All right - just a few.
Gloria Thank you. Tell me - what do you do?
Ernest What do I do?
Gloria Yes.
Ernest Nothing. I'm unemployed.
Gloria Oh.
Ernest I used to be a bus-driver.
Gloria Did you?
Ernest Yes. But I lost my job.
Gloria Why?
Ernest I can't drive.
Gloria Oh, I see. What do you like doing in your free time?
Ernest Nothing.
Gloria Oh, come on, Ernest! Haven't you got any hobbies?
Ernest Well... I've got one. I like gardening. Shall I tell you about my garden?
Gloria Yes.
Ernest Well... it's.
Gloria Yes?

Ernest It's ...
Gloria Yes?
Ernest It's green!

Gloria sighs.

Gloria Well, thank you, Ernest. That was fascinating. Ladies and gentlemen, Ernest Bottom.

Ernest leaves.

Gloria Well, now we've met the three contestants, and our judges are ready with their votes. For Arnold Higgins: one vote. For Elvis Smith: one vote. And for Ernest Bottom: one vote. Well, this is sensational, ladies and gentlemen! This year, we have three Mr Universes! So, congratulations to our three contestants, and thank you to our judges: Mrs Doris Higgins, Mrs Brenda Smith and Mrs Margaret Bottom. From all of us here, good night!


ABOUT THE SKETCH
Choose the correct words.
1. The'Mr Universe'competition takes place once a week/month/year.
2. Arnold Higginsis36/63 years old.
3. He has/has not cleaned the windows of Buckingham Palace.
4. His hobby isgarden/ng/co//ect/ng stamps/writing poetry.
5. Elvis Smith is older/younger than Arnold Higgins.
6. His ambition is to goto school/ university.
7. Ernest Bottom is/was a bus-driver.
8. He has/has not got a job.
9. He has no free time/no hobbies/one hobby.
10. Each contestant received one vote/two votes/three votes.


COMMUNICATING

Talking about interests and hobbies
Look at these lines from the sketch:

Arnold My hobby is writing poetry.
Gloria What is your hobby, Elvis?
Elvis I like meeting people.
Gloria What do you like doing in your free time!
Ernest I like gardening.

Elvis listed his hobbies. Apart from 'meeting people', he listed eight hobbies.
What were they?

Ask and answer in pairs:

Have you got any hobbies?
What do you like doing in your free time?